You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
