Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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