fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
