toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
