Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
