i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
