sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
