I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
