he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
