I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
