I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
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