paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
where am i from again
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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