Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
