im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
