Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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