i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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