If i come over, it means nothing
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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