I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
