note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
