she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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