There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
