Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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