I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
