he wants to bone in the snuggie
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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