New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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