You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize