You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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