those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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