five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
birth control should be required to get into college
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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