Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize