My hand turned me down
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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