Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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