In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
its liver damage thursday
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
