Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
