OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
