I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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