Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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