fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
