The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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