Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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