I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
