So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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