i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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