she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
