just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
