he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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