Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
