so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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