There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
