If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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