She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
