Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
