You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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