Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
