Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize