The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
