It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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