Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize