You're my little dorito
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
