I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
