Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
