maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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