i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
