I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
