My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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